Sanity on Edge

2011-08-26T18:50:00.003-04:00

I really miss writing here. I lost my mojo for a while and I think I see it poking around the corner of the outhouse door, which is where I have been for quite a while. I do want to at least write about how life has treated me. It is not pretty I assure you. I thought I heard when life gives you eggs, make an omelet but I am afraid I left the shells in it. I am STILL unemployed. I love it, ha ha ha, I mean what is the big fucking deal anyways, who needs money? I have been busy though, I have been freelance writing (boring!) and writing, writing writing. My camera is never still and I have wayyy too many blogs to count. Why count them when I do not use them? You can call me lazy, that is fine. You can tell me I am not worth a shit, but don't waste your breath, I have already called myself that. Going on job interviews, whoa now there is some fun. I spent five hours at one company, FIVE HOURS! They told me a month later they were not going to hire anyone. Duhhhhhh, stupid asses. Went to another place, very close to home and had a great interview, but nooooooo, they did not hire me. One month later they had another ad in the paper for the same damn job. Fuck em, I did not want to work there anyways.

Then I started noticing my fingernails were growing over the edge of my fingers. I mean straight over the edge pointing to the palm. Weird stuff, damn I should take pictures. A couple of months later my youngest grandchild, bless her little heart, informed me I was going bald. Damn I love that child. So here I sit, looking for work, writing for someone else's blogs, worrying about life and just basically being a veritable lump. My thirst starts growing, I mean it is bad. Thirsty as in water, needed badly, and lots of it. Gallons I might say. I also cannot think very well, mind is as clear as mud, and I am starting to sleep during the day. Then (don't read any further if you are a wuss) I developed an itch. Yeah this itch was bigger than Godzilla, more than even Chuck Norris could deal with. Do I have to tell you where it was? I did not think so. Oh my god this itch took me beyond hell, I dug and scratched and peeled and dug some more and peeled like a third degree sunburn. I went to a clam doctor and was told I had no STD, no herpes or any other socially transmitted diseases, just old skin. Yes you heard me, old skin. I took the cream and the plunger home and started on what was a unsuccesful journey to healing. So I went to another doctor, telling him I think I am diabetic and voila, I am. Sugar will not even read on a meter, it was that high. Come to find out, I have been sick for quite a while and was close to a coma. That is why I am losing my hair and growing curled fingernails. I have to say, if I did not laugh I would curl into the fetal position and crying. So I am trying to put the pieces together and start writing here at least as much as I can.

Love you guys
Not your typical old woman
Ettarose

Am I Deranged or Just Another Psychotic Blogger?

2011-03-14T19:18:00.000-04:00

I miss blogging, I must say. The camaraderie, the bullshit sharing, awareness that I am not the only one to know there are some real fucking winners out there. I also like the fact that there are others out there who appreciate my pain that I mask with humor. There is nothing like calling someone as ass basket because you hurt. Ha ha, I love it. This past year has done nothing for me, or should I say I have done nothing this past year except whine, eat, eat some more and then whine because I ate too much. I have written too many poems that get good reviews but are so dark I think only vampires should read them. I have written a book and I did get it published but as I am a nobody, it has sold only 5 copies and I am the idiot who bought those! I have 4 short stories under my belt and another book in the process. I do my homework which sucks ass because I have not been in school in about 75 years and I write for another blog about things on a more serious level, like "Is God Okay With Gays?" Really serious shit ya know? I miss all my friends in the blogging world and my being a seriously depressed wad of I don't know what is what keeps me a prisoner in my own home. A job? What the hell is that?
This is what it was like for me one year ago. Very dark, but one of my faves. I hope you do not mind that I share this with you.

You live in hell

In your mind
Tortured, burning,
The pain is real
To you and only you

But to others no
Understanding is
There to feel
To know
To live

The hell in your mind
Walking through the quagmire
Of guilt, drowning in tears
Knowing those souls who tear at your mind
Are not real, but in the tattoos of your heart they

Are what you caused the pain in your being, trying to
Cut them away, but after the cleansing they remain.
Pulling at your limbs they want to succeed
In the madness you feel just at bay, waiting and watching
For that slip, that trip that is always just around the corner, the deep recesses of the twisted threads in your mind.

Not your typical old woman,
Ettarose

Go to College, Get an Education, Stay Illiterate.

2011-03-12T23:25:00.000-05:00

Since becoming an unemployed older with no sugar daddy in sight, I have decided to go to school. Yeah, you know the online stuff. I first decided to go to ITT, whoah big mistake. Not long after starting the Feds raided the President's house looking for evidence of scams involving the US Military grants. Shit, I knew something like this would happen. So I decided to go to another more reputable school. Where I would be happy but for one thing; students who not only cannot write coherently, but do not know the difference between to, two and too. Or their, they're or there. Drives me freaking bonkers! How can someone go to an online school without even knowing where the fucking spell check button is. I know there are people who are not good at spelling, but damn it you lazy bastards learn how to spell check. Here is one example;
"You did reel good on yur asinment. i wishj i cuold do as good liiike you. my scoolwork can be bettter if i onlyu tryd."
Now what the hell! I thought I was in the military trying to break the code from the enemy. "Dog barks at midnight. Mother Goose rendezvous at port." Now I really do not care how shitty the writing is, but I have to answer these guys in my discussions. I have tried to tell them they can't spell worth a shit but I don't think they understand the code.

Not your typical old woman,
Ettarose

My Pussy Got Hurt

2011-02-21T06:23:00.000-05:00

My poor poor pussy. I think something happened to it last week. He was very sluggish and really out of sorts. No matter what I tried to do to it, nothing seemed to make him happy, really acting very very sore, like he had been abused. Petting it didn't accomplish anything, offering toys, nothing seemed to make a difference in how it felt. I thought maybe I would have to take it to see a doctor but thank God this morning it was doing really well, very perky and wanting to play. I am so relieved I can't tell you,....... hey wait a minute! I know what you are thinking, get your minds out of the gutter, eyes up here fools. I'm talking about my big old cat, and his name is Smoky and he really has been feeling bad. Jeez you guys!

Ettarose
Not your typical old woman

How Much is That Doggy in the Window?

2011-02-13T08:36:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I have not been posting in like.... two hundred years. I know some of you wondered about me and those some of you have shown what awesome people you be. The rest of you, well I don't blame you for out of sight is out of mind, although in my case it is out of your mind. Ha ha. I still am not working, who da thunk? Yeah no one wants me, well except the work at home jobs where you can make thousands of dollars for three hours work. I know sounds good don't it? I am really surprised at all the unemployment with these kind of jobs floating around. Maybe there will be room for Bullock Baloney when he finishes his one and only term as our very own stool pusher, what do you think?
I have to say staying at home all this time has changed me my friends. I am much fatter and older and wiser if only because I am working toward a BS in business. I now look very much like a Sharpei and I don't stray (stray, hah I said stray) too far away from the family when we are out. Someone will call the dog pound and I for one do not want someone staring at me through the glass of a pet store asking how much is that doggy in the window. In the old days I was afraid of going to the beach, afraid someone would call PETA thinking I was a beached whale. Now with all the new wrinkles I am a Sharpei. I wonder what I will be next?

2010-07-26T12:34:00.000-04:00

The big news right now is the anniversary of the boy scouts. Yes, 100 rip roaring years of fun ways to learn new skills. I am sure a good percentage of the leaders are excited at the prospect of 46,000 young men all crammed together in little tents while they stand watch over the ~~condoms~~ water balloons being filled for the next days “wet t-shirt” contest.
The celebration is to be held in Virginia at Fort AP Hill Army base, as it has been for the last 20 to life. The scouts will be learning the art of “sodomy” and fellatio as well as the fine art of the "reach around." There will be an oyster dinner and for those smaller ones there will be hot dogs and some good Mike's Hard Lemonade. Included in this years festivities is a surprise guest singer and a trip to a real bar. I hear the boys are not allowed to drink though, they are just getting a quick lesson in pushing in stools.

Another favorite is when the guys are taught how to three way conference call, and demonstrate that skill with a long cuddly talk with the Vatican. Gomer Pyle will close the event by singing the theme from the hit movie 'Brokeback Mountain.
There is sure to be fun had by all.

My Christmas Poem

2009-12-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the ward,
all the patients were stirring cuz Steve had his sword.
Susie was screaming from her chair were she was strapped,
and Tony was telling where he thinks he had crapped.
The IV’s were hung from all the beds with great care,
in the hopes that St Nick would soon appear.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
Phil just fell down while dancing, his teeth they did shatter,
all the while he had thought he was one of the Platters.
Through the window we saw from the light of the moon,
what appeared to be St nick, was it one of us loons?

A nurse all in red stood in our doorways smiling,
We stopped in our tracks, no more were we bailing
We knew who this was, and we came out of hiding.

When it was over we thought we all heard
These words as she ran down the big empty hall
On Haldol, on Lithium, Xanax, and Neurontin,
On Valium, Lexapro, Paxil and Wellbutrin,
dash away, dash away, dash away all.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a drugged night.

Soothing Sunday 14

2009-12-13T01:22:00.000-05:00

Christmas is almost upon us and on this edition of Soothing Sunday I would like to set aside all the jokes I make about the little town I live in and show you one of the best things about where I live. Yes, I know these are country people on tractors, but the sense of community is so wonderful. This teeny tiny little town gets visitors from as far away as New Jersey, ( far right? Hahah), and everyone has the spirit of Christmas and there is tons of candy thrown to all the kids and I don’t think, no I know, you will never enjoy a parade as much as what we have every year. Enjoy my home town Christmas parade.

And The Winner Is............

2009-12-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

I thought the picture would have gotten some good "waterboarding" captions. That's all right, the ones you all turned in were very good, so good that I had to have someone pick a number and that was the winner. This week's winner was Nooter, for his craption ;

"Contestants line up for tryouts for the Cleveland browns cheerleading squad."Congratulations Nooter, you are a great doggy.

When It Rains, Someone Gets Shit On

2009-12-10T00:33:00.000-05:00

I find that when it rains it usually pours. It seems like when you get one thing fixed or healed or paid, something else comes along. Life sucks like that sometimes doesn’t it? I have always heard that death comes in threes, and I think the curve balls that life throws at you comes in threes also, except life does not let up for long.
After the flu hit two of my kids and my husband being unable to walk, now I have an impacted tooth and feel like a Chipmunk. If Nooter saw me he would chase me into the woods thinking I was a varmint after his snaks.

I guess I should put an ice pack on my face, maybe it will help with the swelling until I make it into the dentist. I hope no one used my ice pack and you may ask why.
My icepack is turkey gravy. Yeppirs! It came in the turkey last year and when one of the kids had a bruise or lump or something we used the turkey gravy, because someone bit a hole in my regular ice pack. I like it much better than a bag of frozen peas.
I very much dislike the dentist and I do not want to go. It is the worst pain in the world, even worse than having a child. Who knew my wallet would scream louder than me when I walk into the dentist’s office. It is cheaper to have a baby than have a damn root canal for cripes sake! Even with insurance it will cost about three hundred dollars to have a tooth pulled and a cleaning done. I wonder if I should get dentures? How bad could they be? You would not have to worry about get an impacted tooth, or needing a root canal now would you?

Craption Wednesday

2009-12-08T23:08:00.000-05:00

I found some good pictures while trolling on Tuesday. This one has so much potential, don't you think? Have fun and check back Saturday to see who will win the coveted golden pile of crap. Don't forget to stop in at these fine blogs for some more caption fun.

nonamedufus
Me-Me King
Kirsten
The Old Silly
(Remember, the old silly is on Thursday)

Trolling Tuesday

2009-12-08T00:25:00.000-05:00

I had so much fun looking at all the strange things on the Internet this week. Once again it makes me realize how normal if not downright boring I am. I have many things to show you today. A few odd stories for your amusement also.

I missed out on the whole college hoopla and I used to think I missed out on a very important rite of passage into adulthood (not to mention some great parties.) Now with all the stories I have been hearing about hazing and the self esteem lowering acts the plebes have to go through I am glad I missed it. I think jail would be a lonely place unless I pal'd around with Mona. It seems the University of Nebraska suspended Sigma Chi fraternity after unsealed documents detailed alleged hazing incidents, including one where a stripper "invaded and penetrated" a pledges anus with a vibrator while he was blindfolded and handcuffed. The victim says the stripper did it even when he said, "stop" and "don't." It was also revealed that alcohol, which is forbidden on campus grounds was found in the sorority house as well as evidence of funds to buy the alcohol and the fact that it was provided to minors. Local Sigma Chi President Francis Acott referred any questions to the fraternity's lawyer, Bob Creager of Lincoln, who of course could not be reached. Acott said UNL leaders are "most disappointed" by the allegations and "at the same time, he said, I'm hoping that the entire Greek system doesn't get painted with the same brush because of this incident."

All I have to say is one word, Greek! I'm just sayin.

According to authorities in Port St. Lucie, 25-year-old Daniel Boss and his wife started having a row on Thursday night. Things turned ugly when his wife poured soda over Boss's hamburger - prompting him to retaliate by rubbing the burger in her face and throwing other food at her. Boss then left, but his wife went to the police station to report the burger attack. He was arrested a few hours later on a charge of misdemeanor domestic battery.
Personally I think he should have been charges with burgery

Oluwakele Ogundele told a court that her husband Oluwafemi was a drunkard who abandoned all toilet etiquette and relieved himself on her plates and pots.

Do not, I repeat do not, open the lid

Ms Ogundele said she no longer loved her husband and he failed to provide for the family as well as increasing the dishes workrate. Mr Ogundele denied the alcohol allegations but admitted the love was lost.
I think he was just going by the old adage" A pot to shit in and a window to throw it out of."

Now for a few picturres worth sharing.

If this was a real cat I would keep it as self defense.

I love earrings but would you wear squirrel feet?

Perfect for finger foods.

These next pictures I loved. I love, love, love fingernails and I love to design my own, so these were just what I need for some inspiration.

Hello Kitty

Black Lace

Oh, to be able to do this with nails would be so awesome.

A little jewelry for your Sunday go to church clothes?

That concludes my finds this week. Stay tuned for more of my Tuesday trolling finds.

Yes, I Am Still Here

2009-12-06T23:37:00.001-05:00

Well, I guess I will dig my heels in and pull, pull my head out of my ass. If you hear a big popping sound it is just the vacuum left after vacating the South hole. This has been a very hectic time for my family and I thought about stopping this silly blog for a while, but I am not going to. No, I thought I would do the removal process and just keep plugging along. There has been illness after illness and soccer tournaments and now wrestling and all sorts of things that everyone else goes through, and I have had enough. So I refuse to take it anymore. I am going back to being the sweet bitch I know how to be and let me tell you at this time of year there is more and more reason to sweeten up.

One thing I found out is that my children's teacher is on a calendar. I was shocked to say the least. I see her all the time at school and I am sorry, but I get a mental picture and I just shudder. Is that a good thing? I mean about her being on a calendar? I hope the kids do not want to get her a gift because what do you get someone when you know this about her?

Yes this really is one of the children's teachers.

I know, I will get her a McDonalds gift certificate. Several of them.

Speaking of calendars I am trying to lose weight. I have not said anything because there is nothing worse than telling people you are on a diet when they mention you look a little heavier. I am having problems though. I cannot seem to find a diet that will do the best for me. Exercise is out of the question because, let’s face it. That shit just is not any fun. So I am on the look out for a diet where I can eat right while sitting on my ass. If anyone knows of any let me know. Short of shoving the food directly up my ass I cannot think of anything. I do know if I do not get some of the side meat to go away my husband may just grab the can of Crisco and go for a new spot. Of course I can always go model for calendars right?

Soothing Sunday 12

2009-12-06T02:22:00.000-05:00

Good morning all. I hope you have had coffee, or tea, or something stronger if you wish, for today will be the last day of the Carlsbad Cavern tour. I truly hope you have enjoyed it and maybe one day you will actually visit. It is so much more than pictures could ever do justice to. I will show you a few more photos of the cave and then finish off with the highlight of the cave tour, if people wanted to stay. We did and loved it.

Just as dusk began we all gathered on the seats of the amphitheater and watched as what we thought were a few bats at a time coming out of the huge entrance we had walked into just 4 hours earlier. It was not until you looked to the sky that it hit you just how many bats there actually were in the cave. It was a magnificent sight, one I will never forget.

You can click on the pictures to see them better. Well that's all folks. Now I have to see what next Sunday will bring.

And The Winner Is............

2009-12-05T11:30:00.000-05:00

Way to go with the craptions. You make Wednesday's so much fun. Once again a winner was very hard to pick, but I finally got the judges to narrow it down to just one. This weeks beautiful pile of golden crap goes to none other than Danica with her craption,
"It is plain to see that Kikkosan was born in the Year of the Dog and not the Year of the Rooster like everyone else. But she tried hard to fit in anyway."

Way to go Danica. Uhm, you can pick up your steaming pile right over there.

Craption Wednesday

2009-12-02T01:37:00.000-05:00

The weeks are zooming by aren't they? My hubs is doing better, but I still am not getting a lot done on the computer. He suffers from PAD and heart disease and has been under the weather lately. Actually he could not walk for four days. He is now getting around better, but is still not playing his A game that is for sure. Again I am sorry I have not seen you all.
Now on to the picture I want you to put a good craption on. Remember how special the prize is. Ask moooooog and noname, it has not hurt them a bit to be buried in golden crap. Heh heh.

You can find other caption contests at these fine blogs;
Kirsten
The Old Silly (Thursday)
nonamedufus
Me-Me King

Tuesday Trolling

2009-12-01T00:54:00.000-05:00

Tuesday again my friends. Time once again to prove that you are indeed "normal." Who cares about the neighbor who is screwing the mailman. With crazy asses like these, having the mailman's kid seems okay.

You know that great Christmas song, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" don't you? If you don't then I will have the Quirkster sing it to you. Let's start the holiday season with a rousing rendition of "Grandma Got Busted Drunk Driving For The Holidays." Grandma must have been in the cooking sherry and decided to take a little ride, with her 5 year old grand daughter in the car. She did not get run over but she did blow a WHOPPING .415 on the breathalizer test. She had to have had at least twelve drinks to get that high. It is a wonder she did not singe someone's eyebrows off with that much booze in her. Dumb bitch!

This warped asshole does not even have the excuse of being drunk when he decided he missed his wife............. after she died. At first he slept ON her grave, but got tired of getting rained on so he dug a tunnel to the grave so he would stay dry. Eventually (two years later) he just dug her up and brought her back home. There he kept her, molded in clay, clothes on, for 5 years. The man, Le Van from the Philippines told a website that "I'm a person that does things differently. I am not like normal people." What the hell gave him THAT clue?

Do you believe in re-incarnation? Were you a Pharaoh in your past life? Do you wish you were? Now you can be immortalized just like the Egyptians and have your face put on an urn that your family can look at for years. I guess that would be one way he would never bring home a new wife eh?

Here is a man who just can't quite get things to go his way. A 52 year old paid cash for a casket, wrote out his obituary and shot himself in the head. Unfortunately (fortunately?) the bullet missed and the damn funeral home refuses to give him a refund. Life really is a bitch.

Finally comes a story that I feel close to in a weird way. There is a man named Mathew Roberts who, like millions of people found out he was adopted. When he was old enough he wanted to find his birth parents. He finally located his birth mother and wrote back and forth to her for a while, the whole time asking her who his father was. It took some time but finally she told him the story of his birth. She met a man her father said was "a white-trash biker bandit" but Terry, (Mathews mother) found him charismatic and hypnotizing. So she left on a bus with his "family" and went to San Francisco. In a drug fueled orgy she says she was raped by this man and when the baby was born she gave him up for adoption. Thus began Mathew's nightmare. He has since corresponded with his father if you can call it that and says he is ashamed to now know who (supposedly) that man is.

Mathew Roberts

Is this Mathew's father?

You may know him better as Charlie.

Now for some lighter fare, just to even things up a bit. How about some more shoes. Nooter, you may want to skip this pair.

Can you believe these?!?!?!?!? Puppy shoes!

I thought this was the weirdest gadget I have ever seen. This holds your tech toys, like Ipod's and cellphones. Very strange indeed.

Here are some shoes that I do not know who would wear. Perhaps a closet stripper?

No way in hell would I dare to put my feet in these nasty slippers. Who would wear these?

That is all for today friends. You have to admit, these Tuesday's at my place make your problems seem so trivial. You are welcome.

Soothing Sunday10

2009-11-29T03:02:00.000-05:00

Hope you are all rested and raring to go after the holiday. I have had some illness in my family and have not gotten to any blogs lately and I am sorry. The hubs is getting better daily so I am sure I will be by in the next day or so. For now enjoy the next leg of the tour of Carlsbad Caverns. I will wrap this up in week 12. If you look closely in one picture you will see me when I was 100 years younger. Ha ha. Enjoy.

And The Winner Is...........

2009-11-28T00:01:00.002-05:00

Wow! What a time that was picking a winner. I wish I could give you all one, but because of my own rules, I can't. This week's golden pile of you know what goes to none other than moooooog! Way to go baby! Please pick up that golden goody and post it with pride.

As McDonald's scored the 'Christmas Carol' promotion, and Burger
King got hold of the 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' deal, Wendy's customers
bore the brunt of them getting the winning bid for the remake of
"Hiawatha."

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T00:51:00.000-05:00

To all my friends new and old, I cherish each and everyone of you and am so blessed to know you all. I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving and will see you on Saturday when I announce the winner of the Craption contest. Be safe mi amigos!

Craption Wednesday

2009-11-24T23:56:00.000-05:00

In honor of Thanksgiving I wanted to post a picture about this wonderful holiday and I guess when you look at this picture it does make you want to say thanks doesn't it? How about a nice Thanksgiving craption for this one eh? Check these other blogs out too.

Kirsten, at the Soccer mom files
nonamedufus of the nonamedufus fame.
Me-Me-King
The Old Silly, Marvin his bad ass self. (only on Thursdays. No matter, go anyways!)

Tuesday Trolling

2009-11-24T01:11:00.000-05:00

It is Tuessday and time for me to share all the goodies have found on the internet. Today I found some very weird stories that are sure to make you say WTF?!?!?!?!? I also have a few funny quotes and the weirdest shoes I have ever seen in my life. I hope I can entertain you if only for a few minutes. Have fun!

Chutzpah!: Mallory Ewart, 18, kindly organized a charity car wash on
behalf of the family of a man killed in a hit-and-run collision in
Vancouver, Wash. She raised hundreds of dollars. She presented some of
it to the family. According to police, she siphoned off $500, herself,
in order to post bail for her boyfriend — who is the driver accused of
the hit-and-run. The Columbian

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Asheville, N.C., physician Earl Sunderhaus is in trouble, though he was
only doing his part to reduce the obesity epidemic. A patient reported
him to the state medical board because he told her she was too [and apparently this is the technical term Sunderhaus used]
"fat" to have another kid, and that made her feel bad. (Also, he told
her she needed to get a job before getting pregnant again, instead of
raising another child from the taxpayers' trough.) Citizen-Times (Asheville)

You laugh because I'm different...........

I laugh cause I just farted!

"A man whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash has been fitted
with a bionic bottom that enables him to go to the toilet using a
remote control," writes London's Daily Mail. The remote acts as a sphincter, opening and closing by sensor. (But, asks an NOTW Board Member, what if the remote falls into the wrong hands? Plus, he asks, can't they make a remote that'll just scratch your butt?) Daily Telegraph

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Chicago firefighter-turned-arsonist Jeffrey "Matches" Boyle (so nicknamed by Chicago Tribune
columnist John Kass), who was sentenced to six years in prison in 2006
(served less than two) after pleading guilty to setting eight fires,
was officially approved for his $50,000/year pension from the Chicago
Fire Dept. Cook County Judge LeRoy Martin Jr. (euphemistically referred
to as a "veteran" of "Chicago politics") concluded that Matches was off
the clock when he set the fires. Chicago Tribune

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

James Condren, 44, was brought to court in the Sydney suburb of
Sutherland, to answer charges that he had called in bomb threats the
day before to 10 different schools. Naturally, what's the first thing
Condren did when he got to court? Yell "Bomb in the courthouse!"
Cleared the room. Daily Telegraph (Sydney)

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Cool bedroom slippers!

Soothing Sunday 10

2009-11-22T02:01:00.000-05:00

Sunday has arrived in all it's glory. Hope your day is wonderful and you are living life to the fullest. As promised here is part deux of Carlsbad Caverns. The great room is as high as three football fields. It is an immense space and the pictures you will see do not do justice to the actual size of the stalagmites and stalactites growing in these caves. I do hope you enjoy this soothing Sunday.

Guess what this formation is called. Isn't it cute?

This one is called "The Whales Mouth" It is an immense piece weighing several tons. It would take probably 50 people to gather all the way around, and that would be arms out to the side.

That is it for today. Stay tuned next Sunday for some more of Carlsbad Caverns.

And The Winner Is............

2009-11-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

Excellent job my friends, just wonderful responses. You guys are getting really good at this. I am going to have to go on a hunt for better and better photos. This week nonnamedufus has grabbed another pile of crap with this great craption:

"Each religion has it's own form of penitence. The Catholics have confession, the Jehovah's Witnesses must canvass door to door. At the Church of Dental Hygiene sinning congregants undertake public displays of affection with their giant toothbrushes."

Noname better be careful! He is getting in shit up to his neck. See you all next week fort he next Craption Wednesday!

Politically Incorrect Injustice

2009-11-18T23:41:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas, God Bless, In God We Trust, Hang him, The Indians, the Redskins, These sayings and names have been decided by who knows, to be politically incorrect. We are so afraid someone is going to be offended. What about those of us who are offended that we are not supposed to use these terms? We have to say , Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa or just Happy Holidays. For one thing Kwanzaa is after the date Christmas is celebrated, so why do we have to say happy Kwanzaa? And if you spell it wrong then you are wishing someone happy Angolan money.
Hanukkah starts this year on December 11th and ends 8 days later. Who ever said it was a crime to say happy any holiday to all of them. I notice it is not politically incorrect to say Happy Hanukkah. I really doubt those who celebrate Christmas would care one way or another. I grew up in Phoenix and Squaw Peak was a part of my life. Not once when talking about Squaw Peak did I think "aha! I am getting one over on the Indians. (oh excuse me,... Native Americans). When the Braves or the Redskins are discussed do we think, " Yeah that Indian baseball team," or "that Indian football team." It is just a name of a team for God's sakes. (yes, I said God) Is the Yankees politically incorrect? It is funny, but that I have not heard. What if all the Nawthunahs did not like a team named after Yankees? Does that make sense?

Now there is no such thing as gay or lesbian and you better run and hide if you say the word 'fag' (unless you live in England and smoke) Now it is "socially acceptable lifestyle" Hell, that could mean any lifestyle that is acceptable. Who decides what or who society is that says it is okay to be gay? (not that there is anything wrong with that) What about a society that eats out of garbage cans? They are called "freegans." Is that okay with you that they root through your garbage? Well you better not disturb them and hurt their feelings. Society says they are eating at a socially accepted restaurant of choice.

Politically correct is for a bunch of pussies who are too scared to say what they mean and mean what they say. Instead of being scared and hiding behind your politically correct mama's skirts, take some responsibilities and teach your children to be responsible adults. Worry more about bringing God, or Allah or Jehovah back into the schools so your children grow up with some morals. Start looking out for your fellow man and see who needs your helping hand and quit worrying about things like sport team names. Start worrying about how badly world peace is needed. Is it politically correct to worry about our fellow man?

Craption Wednesday

2009-11-17T23:36:00.000-05:00

Last week was a hoot. You guys did an excellent job coming up with some funny captions. I hope you like the pictures I find. I think they really bring out your creativeness. Here is another strange photo. Have fun and please don't forget my friends.
Kirsten
nonamedufus
Me-Me King
On Thursday, the Old Silly

Tuesday Trolling

2009-11-17T00:03:00.001-05:00

This week I have so many unusual finds I am not sure where to start. One thing is for sure, there are some very weird people out there. I have many friends, but have never had any who would do what these weird asses have done.

I guess I will start with this man who is so hard up for sex he called the cops asking for it. Yes, he called 911 looking for sex. Why you may wonder? Because he was out of minutes on his cell phone and 911 was the only number he could call.

How about the traveler who was caught smuggling several small sweet potatoes into the Miami International Airport from Bolivia. The traveler wrapped them in commercial wrappers of a popular Bolivian candy. The sweet taters were destroyed and the person was fined $300 for not declaring the prohibited veggies.

Something I learned while trolling I had never thought about. Vegans do NOT want to have sex with steak gobblers. I guess not all Vegans but a large part of them don’t. A vegan is one who does not eat any animal products including cheese, eggs and do not use any animal by-products, like whips and handcuffs made from cow hide. So to that end there is a condom that is sure to make any sexually active Vegan happy; Vegan Condoms. Isn’t that nice. Now they too can have guilt free sex. As far as the whips and handcuffs, those also come animal by-product free for a guilt free S&M session.

Green seems to be the buzzword these days, what with Al Gore on his soap box about global warming, and people looking for alternative ways to do some things without leaving a carbon footprint. Now you can have your pleasure without the harming the earth with the hand crankable vibrator. That is right ladies (and men I guess) four minutes of cranking (I am waiting for the jokes, come on) gives you about 30 minutes of vibrating. I would think that would be a fair trade, what do you think?

This next subject is one I have never worried about, but I am sure some men do. If you are left handed and you have to pee, is it really that hard to get the horse out of the barn if the opening is on the right? Obviously this is a major problem for weak left handed men. “Left-handed men have to reach much further into their pants, performing a Z-shaped maneuver through two 180-degree angles before achieving the result that right-handed men perform with ease." [Reuters, 9-23-09] British retailer Debenhams announced in September it would begin selling men’s briefs for left-handers. I know you will sleep better knowing this.

Here are a few more goodies. This one is for the mother-to-be who is one with her computer.

After the birth, what better way to let your child exercise than in this little monster!

This is the end of this weeks' Tuesday Trolling. I hope you enjoyed the silliness.

Meep, Injustice, Meep!

2009-11-15T23:12:00.000-05:00

You see it on the news, you may here about it from your children and it makes you wonder what the kids of today are going to be when they grow up. We hear of 6 year olds' taking guns to school, children being suspended for taking Motrin, kids fighting and every other thing you can think of.

Now Beaker of Sesame Street fame is the cause of kids being suspended from school. It seems the kids of a high school planned a take over and disruption of school by using Beaker’s famous word “meep” They also supposedly planned on using Facebook to spread the word. The principal explained that he had asked nicely for the students not to use that word, and because no one listened he sent letters home warning parents of the consequences. Can you imagine not being able to use the word “meep” but Teachers are screwing our kids. Someone’s priorities are totally screwed up. Now that is injustice!

Soothing Sunday 9

2009-11-15T01:08:00.000-05:00

Today I would like to share one of my favorite places. Carlsbad Caverns, in Carlsbad New Mexico. I have been twice and would go again in a heartbeat. It is truly a magnificent place to visit and a way to lose yourself for about 4 hours. I will take you from the beginning of the tour right through to the last awe-inspiring show of the evening. I hope you will not be bored and will see the beauty of mother nature. This trip will take several Sunday's to finish and I hope you will come along on each leg of the trip.

There is a cave here somewhere.

Beautiful, majestic El Capitan

Small part of White Sands

At the top of the trail into the cave

Amphitheater for the show following the tour

Let's get started

Are we there yet?

Still got a way to go

I hope you are not tired.

Still not there yet.

Just inside.

The soot is from the Native American's fires when they used the cave for shelter.

I hope you enjoyed this part of our tour. Next week make sure you have on comfortable shoes and wear a light jacket.

And The Winner Is............

2009-11-14T00:38:00.000-05:00

This week was phenomenal! Your craptions were so good and I had to read them over and over to narrow it down to one winner. My craption by the way would have been;
A peek at the just released documentary, "Brain Surgery: Ted Kennedy under the knife."

But I was not in the winning so let's get to the winner of this weeks' craption. This week goes to Stephanie B, from rockets-r-us for her craption as follows;

Congratulations Stephanie. Don't forget your lovely prize!

The Injustice Of Children Who Have No Imagination.

2009-11-13T00:59:00.000-05:00

Fizzies
Button Candy
Licorice Whips
Candy Cigarettes
Juice filled wax bottles
Saturday Matinee
The Shadow
The Lone Ranger
Hopscotch
Jacks
Four Square
Marbles
Cinnamon Toothpicks
Penny Candy
Baseball with the neighborhood kids until way after dark
Wading in the puddles after a summer rain
Playing Cowboys and Indians

Gummy Worms/Bears/whatever
Energy Drinks
World of Warcraft
Facebook
MySpace
Blogs
Never walk alone
Raves
Ecstasy
Crank
Meth
Cars with Bling
Bumping Stereos
Gang wars
PS1, PS2, PS3, X-Box Guitar Hero, Rock Band, DJ Hero
Flavored Water
AK-47

Whoa! I'd go see him in concert.

Do you see the two lists? This is what injustice is. Some of you may say it is the marching of time. I say it is the loss of innocence. Some of you may say things change I ask you why it had to. I remember the days as a child when you could leave your house in the morning and come back later that evening and your mom always knew where you were and with who you were. Now you don’t even have to leave your house to be accosted by gangs carrying A-K47’s trying to steal that expensive vase off the mantle, never knowing it is Grandpa Jooter’s ashes.
Days when the neighborhood parents whipped your ass and then sent you home so your parents could whip it again. Personally after seeing the bratty little fuckers at the schools I think a little more ass paddling is in order. Oh, that’s right, you can’t whip a kid now days and heaven help the neighbor if he tried to beat a kid’s ass right after he broke into someone‘s car.

Do you remember Fizzies? A glass of cold water, one little tablet and you had a cold glass of root beer or cola. Personally, the cola sucked, but the root beer was great. I remember playing baseball and getting hot and sweaty and just in time you heard the music that was so sweet to your ears, softly at first and then louder as we waited for the kids up the street to make their choice and then finally you saw him. The local ice cream truck with his freezers full of the sweetest treats ever, and you pulled out your sweaty coins, grabbed your ice cream, and tried to out run the drips with the tip of your tongue. Now they are slamming energy drinks and Mountain Dew like it is nothing and we wonder why our kids won’t sit still in class. They are caffeine junkies’ jonesing for that next Red Bull

Do I think injustice is an obese person? Don’t you think if our children did the things we did there would not be as much crabby fat asses in the world? Injustice is parents who let the kids play baseball on the X-Box instead of out in the fresh air. Kids (and some adults I know) are playing Guitar Hero instead of playing a real instrument. I still cannot understand why “air guitar” is so wonderful and the fakers are judged on how well they fake it. Air Guitar is an injustice to the many hours my son spent learning guitar along with the other members of his band the “Loony Labia Lovers.”
It looks like November will be a good month to vent. I have 17 days of this month left where I can bitch and moan freely. Oh who am I kidding? Why stop there?

Deer 0, Lawn Ornament Won

2009-11-12T00:24:00.000-05:00

This is one of those stories that you read about on Ripley's Believe it or not. I read a newspaper article and had to laugh. It makes me realize how silly the male species is. Is a booty call worth your life? I guess since he is what's for dinner, this family thinks it is. A 7 point buck was love struck and struck out when he tried sparring with a 640 pound concrete lawn ornament last week in Viroqua, Wis.

When Mark Brye woke early he never expected to see his concrete elk lying on it's side in his back yard, and says he knew exactly what had happened when he saw it.
Mr Brye did not even realize the full extent of the fight and who lost until he spotted the dead attacker twenty feet away. "The deer shattered his skull," he said and his antlers were just hanging there. The lawn ornament did survive, although it too lost it's antlers in the attack. Mr Brye said he may try to glue the antlers back on his elk, and is even thinking of attaching the deer's antlers on the elk.
Needless to say, deer...... it's what's for dinner.

Craption Wednesday

2009-11-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

Here is what seems to be a very weird blast from the past. I can't even imagine what Craption will go with this one. Remember to check out my friends and their caption contest. The more the merrier.

nonamedufus
Thesoccermom files
The Old Silly
Me-Me King
(Remember, the Old Silly's is on Thurday's)

Come back this Saturday and see who wins.

Tuesday Trolling

2009-11-10T00:40:00.000-05:00

The weeks are zooming by. I can't believe it is Tuesday again. Before you know it taxes will be due. I did a lttle look see on the old puter to see what I could see and again I believe I found some goodies. I have a couple of pictures that will make you cringe, some you may laugh and some things about whatever you may not know. Just a few silly moments to make your day sizzle. Enjoy

How about some sports pictures?

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space

because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book
most often stolen from public libraries.

Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.

Now, if your stomach has settled down, I want you to see what I have found Nooter.

Nooter, those pesky birds and squirrels won't have a chance with this handy dandy spy window.

For Reffie I found a way she can bike to her hearts content and have sparkling purified water at the same time.

Yes Reforming geek as you pedal your ass off, so shall you purify water. I want Don to have one also.

I have something for Quirkyloon also. Quirkster, I know you'll love this.

That's right! A zombie infested wedding cake. (If you don't plan on remarrying use it for the vow renewals.)

The last thing I want to show you made me think of moooooog. But I know he would abuse it if he used one of these. He is like that you know.

A hands free urinal.

Dufus, if you ever get to Wyoming, you will need this wind sock.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in
the USA."
I may not have found everyone something, but I am sure I will. Stay tuned.

Why A Fat Ass Can Wear A Size 7

2009-11-08T23:04:00.000-05:00

In continuing with the anti-injustice month at humorbloggers.com, I shall talk more about injustices done, real or imagined as I am sure many of us have seen travesty under the name of Injustice. What is injustice to you? Isn't it the violation of the rights of others? Perhaps an unjust wrong done to you? Someone that offended your rights as a human being? A person who shits and eats and put's on pants the same as everyone else?

Speaking of pants I think it is a grave injustice to all women that the sizes of our clothes have been fucked with. I remember back in the old days when a size 7 meant a size 7. Now if you wear anything above a 1 (which is really a size 5 ) you are considered a fat ass. God help all of us fat chicks who are happy we only wear a 16 when in reality we are into a size FUCKING 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember the photo of the model, Lizzie Miller who actually posed for Glamour showing her fat? gasp! Her fat? Where, you bitches? I would love to be that fat and I will bet most women are wondering why she is being called "full sized" What does that say about anyone a little fluffier? I am not for being obese, but I do not want to push injustice off on the Fluffy Club either.

I say be who you are, what you are and enjoy the hell out of life. Who gives a rat's ass about your size ( unless you are the one buying their groceries) After all, isn't that what beer goggles are for?

Soothing Sunday 8

2009-11-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

We went on a three week vacation once driving a pick-up truck with an overhead camper on it and had the best time ever. These are few photos from some of the most beautiful country I have ever seen, Wyoming and the Grand Tetons! There are also some of Rocky Mountain National Park.

Rocky Mountain National Park

Rocky Mountain National Park- Beaver dam

Glacier-Rocky Mountain National Park

Grand Tetons

Little Grand Canyon, Yellowstone Park

Old Faithful-Yellowstone Park

One of the many hot springs, with water clear as glass, Yellowstone

And The Winner Is............

2009-11-07T05:43:00.000-05:00

Oh you silly silly people. You came up with some good ones, better than I thought. moooooog, you did some really good ones, but I have to say the one that was voted the best was CatLadyLarew!! Yeah Cat Lady. You may not have cats, but you now have a big pile of golden poo.

No amount of coke was going to bring the boys of summer off this high.

Hey All You Bloggers, China Hates You

2009-11-06T00:37:00.001-05:00

I have a problem that I am sure many of you also have. I am not ashamed to admit it either. My name is Ettarose and I am an Internet junkie. It all started back in the summer of 2007.…. I am sure you all have a similar story right? I still do what has to be done, granted, I do (because of dial up you understand) click on a link and then run load the dishwasher while the page slowly opens in all it’s glory. True, I eat at the computer and I am thinking of putting a porta-potty under the desk but that is another story. One thing I have to admit I am thankful for is that I do not live in China with my addiction. Not because they do not allow Internet, because they do. It is the way they get you off your addiction that I could not take. Jeez, you don’t have to hit me over the head with a lead pipe to get me to ~~put the needle down~~ , shut down the computer.

China has a whole new way to battle internet addiction among it’s teens. There are several different treatment options for these cyber addicted teens, one of which is military style boot camps where they are beaten severely. So severely that two young boys have died as a result of being weaned from the computers.
They say six hours on the internet means there is an addiction and there is an estimated 10% of the 100 million web users that could be affected. But hey it’s not all bad. At least they have agreed electro shock therapy will not be used anymore. Scary shit indeed. What will they do to Barkula if he does not pay their money back? Makes you wonder.

The Injustice Done To All Those Poor Bank CEO's

2009-11-05T00:00:00.003-05:00

November is the month that humorbloggers.com chose to fight injustice. Why, because no one else cares. Here then is my take on injustice.

The inhumanity of it all. This post is about the injustice the poor CEO’s have had to endure from their peers. I mean really, they just took a few people for a ride. I am sure they did not really need all their money right? I mean these guys worked so hard at being a CEO. They had to go to important meetings all the time. I mean how sad that they actually had to fly the company jet to get to the Bahamas. I say this is more than injustice. It’s a downright travesty. The fact that they were not given their own jets is down right wrong.

Let us not forget how American they really are by supporting our football teams. They only fly to the super bowl to show how they support our sports players. Who cares about the cost? They have worked hard at all those meetings. Mr. Hermance formerly from Hudson City Bancorp Inc. actually had to take a cut in pay! How is that for injustice. He went from a measly $9.2 million annually to a paltry $1.9 went he stepped down as CEO. I’ll tell you, if that is all they paid him then it is no wonder he stepped down. Who wouldn’t?

I on the other hand have it so much better. I am sure you do too. I drive my very own Chevy Impala everywhere I go. Forget the crappy company owned jets. I own my own car! I do not have to put up with stupid business meetings in Aspen, or Scotland. They are a bunch of poor misguided fools.

Can you see my tears?

Craption Wednesday

2009-11-04T00:12:00.000-05:00

Well it's Wednesday again. You know what that means. Yep, Craption time. You know what to do and you know who to visit so get on with your bad self!

nonamedufus
Soccermom files
Me-Me-King
The Old Silly (Thursdays, you will love him)

Tuesday Trolling

2009-11-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday and I have some items I want to share because they .........are.
I found some furniture and some shoes and some other weird things and I think I may have seen a few things everyone will like. Let me show you some furniture.

A pair of nice shoes.

Here are some plants for your garden.

The absolute coolest tattoo ever. By God if you don't have it, then flaunt it!

Last but not least, proof that your cat is trying to kill you. Cats are sneaky little fuckers!

Click to see the big one. Hahahahahaha

Soothing Sunday 7

2009-11-01T00:39:00.000-04:00

Sunday again and with the small nip in the air and Halloween behind us, it's time to enjoy the fall colors that are especially beautiful this year. Being from Phoenix, I never saw any season other than HELL so I especially love the different seasons we have here. I hope you enjoy the brilliant colors.

And The Winner Is............

2009-10-31T13:40:00.000-04:00

Another fine Craption contest is over. Of course the Craption were wonderfully funny and I had a hard time picking a winner, but I did my best. The winner is nonamedufus for his great Craption. This gives you what? two now. Come on guys you can't let him have all the crap. Way to go everyone.

At the Church Of The Magic Post, members of the congregation receive the answers to their prayers. The results can be orgasmic, which is why they call it a "magic" post.

Halloween Is Upon Us

2009-10-30T16:57:00.000-04:00

Halloween is tomorrow. I am glad in way because I will have candy to eat after I rob the childrens' candy buckets. I can only eat certain kinds though, so I am sure they won’t mind if I take the ‘Bit-o-Honey’ because they have no fat in them. Now the ones that taste like commodity peanut butter and wrapped in orange or black are nasty and are some cheap bastards way of getting out of having their house egged. I think anyone caught giving out that shit should have their house egged and then blown the hell up. They can rebuild with the money they saved buying cheap nasty candy.

I remember the first time I heard about some freak who put razor blades in some poor kid’s candy apple. I was about 9 or 10 at the time. That ruined Halloween for a lot of us. No more Popcorn balls, homemade treats, candy that was not fully wrapped. Some even said drugs were put into the candy. I never fell for that, even at a young age I knew drugs were too expensive to give out as Halloween treats, and I never once got lucky and found a “lid“ tossed in my bag.

When I was small Halloween was about making a costume. We had to use our imaginations, not the neighborhood Wal-mart. I had two sisters and we loved getting all dressed up in our moms’ clothes and putting on all her make up. She had some of the best costume jewelry ever and we would load ourselves down until we walked like old women all hunched over. We jangled and jingled all over the neighborhood thinking we had the best costume ever. We even had our mom make us cat suits once. How simple life was then.

Now the kids want to dress as punk rockers and Emo. What is it about Emo that is so great? Emotional punks who are into cutting and wearing their jet black hair in their eyes, begging for someone to trip them because they can’t see where they are walking. I’d like to give them a trip they would never forget. How about a trip to the psych ward for some real angst.

I for one am glad it’s almost over. Next week the Christmas tree goes up.

Craption Wednesday

2009-10-28T00:23:00.000-04:00

Ooooh goody, it's another Craption Wednesday. You all know the rules, you craption, I crown you winner. On your mark, get set, GO! Wait a minute lest you forget. When you are done leaving your comment go to these fine blogs who are also having a contest.

Soccer mom files
The Old Silly
nonamedufus
Me-Me-King
Hahahaha, now go.

Tuesday Trolling For Halloween (NSFW)

2009-10-27T00:01:00.003-04:00

It Tuesday Trolling again where I bring you the best and the worst of what I find while trolling cyber space. This week the theme is Halloween in celebration of this Celtic holiday and the Humorblogger.com Halloween Carnival. It may be best to keep the kids away from today's post. It's not exactly PG.

The first thing I found was some costumes. We all know that is what Halloween is all about. Well that and the candy. Here are a few of the funnier ones.

Dress up like a pig and wear a surgical mask and go as the Swine flu.

Wear a Gail King mask and take your best friend for a walk.

Try a costume with a catchy name. Like Anita Waxin. Yeah, very funny.

Then there is the costume for the fisherman in your life. Tell the party goers how much he likes to fish.

I know older folks like Halloween as much as the rest of us. I would not want to see an old woman dressed like a hooker, would you? I think they should dress age appropriate so here is a costume for the older women/man in your life.

Did you know that beets and turnips were used as the first jack-o-lantern? In Ireland people placed candles in hollowed-out turnips to keep away spirits and ghosts on the Samhain holiday.
The ancient Celts thought that spirits and ghosts roamed the countryside on Halloween night. They began wearing masks and costumes to avoid being recognized as human. The druids held a festival on October 31st to celebrate the end of summer and honour their dead, which was called 'Samhain' from the word 'Samhraidhreadh', which means 'summer's end.' Samhain was also the name of the Celtic Lord of the Dead.

Believe it or not?...... If you see a spider on Halloween, it is the spirit of a loved one watching over you.
Have a safe and happy Halloween!

My Halloween Costume Is...............

2009-10-26T00:15:00.000-04:00

Humorbloggers.com is having a Halloween Carnival! There are a plethora of bloggers who are screaming with desire to make you see the funny side of Halloween. Drop by the blogs listed in the link and have some scarily wicked fun. It will be going on all week, so don't be scared you won't read them all. You have time.

It takes a lot of thought to pick out the right costume for Halloween. Planning and foresight because you never want to show up at "the" party and see some Bimbo dressed like the naughty maid, street walking circus clown you were going as. How gauche! I have thought about what would be the scariest ever and I think I have found it. A real blood sucker of a being, one who is trying hard to take us into hell with him. One who wins without trying. He can out run you, he can outsmart you and he can make you want something you did not know you wanted. Yes he can.
When he tells you he will do something he will. Then again he might not. He wavers in his decisions and that will be your chance. You run screaming into the night. He is right behind you. It's.....it's Barackula! Be afraid, be very afraid. Muahahahahahahahahaha

From A Dear Friend. Because She Likes Me!

2009-10-25T23:10:00.000-04:00

I have a very dear friend who also happens to be one of the funniest bloggers ever and her name is Dana. Her site is called Life is Good and believe me, when she tries to tell you how rough she has it, you know by reading that Life is indeed good. She is married to a man I am going to stalk when she dies. I swear I am. She is spoiled rotten and I am taking over when and if she goes to that outhouse in the sky. Just go comment on her site and you will be surprised at first because she does not answer. Until Friday that is. Friday is the best day of the week at Dana's because you really get a taste of her deliciously snarky wit. You have got to check out one of her Friday posts. I guarantee you will be hooked.
A bonus if you get her tickled is she will send you a beautiful handmade card. She does not sign them in case you want to give one to someone, but I figure they are mine all mine and I refuse to part with any of them. Look at the latest one she sent me. All because I said I would never re-marry, just keep a vibrator handy and shove it in a drawer until I say I want it. No breakfast in the morning, no downcast looks because you were wearing beer goggles the night before, just plain old self satisfaction. None of that "was it good baby?" shit.

Now look at this beautiful card. Okay, now get you ass over there and check her out. Tell her Etta sent you.

Soothing Sunday 6

2009-10-25T01:04:00.000-04:00

I spent the day at the lake with my family. It rained and stopped, rained and stopped and we cooked grilled chicken and hamburgers under an umbrella. You are probably wondering why we did not leave. Soothing Sunday says it all. Enjoy my Saturday on your Sunday.

The Winner Is..........................................

2009-10-23T00:11:00.000-04:00

This was a good one I think. Everyone knows the iconic Star Trek and the jokes abound about the show, from Spock's logic, to the way Captain James T. Kirk spoke in that halting way.There were so many good captions for the photo and as usual I laughed at them all, but I have to say, one stood out and grabbed me as soon as I read it. It was the epitome of what the show was for so many people. Well done nooter!

Way to go nooter. Don't let the human use a pooper scooper on this beauty.

Marge Simpson Is A MILF

2009-10-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

Marge, you sexy bitch you. The Simpson's is going on twenty years of dysfunction and Marge is showing some ink in the November issue of Playboy magazine. I hate to say it but I have never gotten into the Simpson's and don't get it. I do get Seinfeld and I know people who don't get that either. So I guess it is all in how you view humor.

Marge will be the first cartoon ever to be featured in the rag and Hughie baby is doing it to get the younger population into buying the skin mag. I guess all the boys from back then never gave up their Playboy books and I blame the Internet for the younger generation not snapping up the monthly issues to see where the staples are and read the "true" sex letters. Oh I forgot, guys read it for the articles, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Why should teenage boys look at a soft porn magazine when they can have hard core porn at their fingertips on the Internet? For a scantily clad Marge Simpson that's why.

Hugh is supposed to be a huge Simpson's fan and appeared on the show once. I personally think he wants to "do" Marge and is secretly hoping they can just sketch an erect penis on his wrinkled old body. Of course if someone is not right there with the eraser he may have problems if his erection lasts longer than four hours, then again, ink does tend to run when it gets wet.

Craption Wednesday

2009-10-21T01:50:00.000-04:00

Are there any trekkies out there? I don't remember this episode. Maybe you guys can help me out. When you are done leaving your Craption, please drop by these other funny blogs and try another contest.

The Soccer Mom files
Marvelous Marvin, the Old Silly
nonamedufus
Me-Me King

Here is today's picture. Don't forget to check back Saturday and see if you are the one to take my crap!

Tuesday Trolling

2009-10-20T00:27:00.000-04:00

Hello friends, it's that time again. I am glad most of what I am going to share with you I found weeks ago. I am still struggling getting to others blogs. I am able to go to Facebook on a friends computer but I am unable to spend any time going visiting. I will get there I promise. Now let me share some off the wall goodies I found. I hope you are enlightened.

Soothing Sunday 6

2009-10-18T00:02:00.003-04:00

Sunday again. I hope you are having a good one no matter what your plans are for today. Here are a few pictures I took during a drought we had a couple of years ago. The wood you see in these pictures is normally under water. I thought they were so beautiful. I hope you enjoy them.
P.S. These are all at Kerr Lake

And The Winner Is............

2009-10-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

I say this every week but I swear I get the biggest kick out of reading all the entries. You all are so damn funny. It was a very tough choice, but I felt Me-Me- King's was the best. Short but sweet and I felt it really said it all. Don't you agree? Here's to you, you mad mad girl.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Here is your very own Golden feces award. Post it with pride!

I Am On Strike!

2009-10-15T01:06:00.001-04:00

The past two weeks have been hell in this household. I have had enough fun and any more can wait until I am in the next world. It's not been that bad but I have had a weird couple of weeks. I am on dial up. I know, you all think I am in the Paleozoic age or something but I can't help where I live. When I bought this house I had no Internet addiction. Now I am mainlining like a junkie from hell, and there is no way to get anything more than dial up. Actually there is and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Back when, I wanted to get satellite link up and get rid of dial up but it was too expensive. I needed $400 just to set it up and then another $100 a month for service. Now the price is down and well, I got serviced all right and did not even get a damned kiss in the deal.
I signed up for the basic service for $39.99 a month and was told I would get 7.5GB monthly. We all happily jumped on those computers like a duck on a Junebug and away we went. For three weeks. So okay we used a lot what with setting up a new computer and all the virus downloads we get, so what is a week? I still have dial up no big deal. Long story short the 7.5 gigs is the only amount you get, it never rolls over in the next month and every time you even turn on the computer it is downloading KB's to your hard drive. If you turn the computer completely off and save, say one KB, but have already used 6 KB, you only gain a half of a KB. Do you follow? You never get back the 7.5KB. So I cancelled it and now I am back on slooowwwwww dial up.

I wanted to go to the flea market, so we drove the 80 miles through ass sucking traffic only to find it was closed. So back we go through two construction zones and a mob visiting the culture fair and finally make it the thirty miles to the mall. I am then accosted by a Rue Paul look-a-like, a mad buyer for perfume who wanted to sell me a whole line of the stuff Rue jr. said he sprays on his pillow and a foreign guy who buffed my thumb nails and wanted me to buy a small bottle of some kind of canola oil and a finger nail file for $50. To top it all off they have co-ed bathrooms and I walked in on some dumb ass man taking a piss! The stupid penis head did not even lock the fucking door! Then there was the little problem of going away for a couple of days. I cannot talk about it on here because someone I know reads this occasionally. Top all that off with Blogger screwing up a couple of posts and I have about had it. I am on STRIKE!

One bright part of all this is I won an award from Skye at weekyinjectionofchuckles for naming her granola/trail mix. Thank you ever so much dear Skye. I hope it does well. My name for it? Skye Crunch Trail Mix.

Craption Wednesday

2009-10-14T00:07:00.003-04:00

Welcome to another Craption Wednesday. Since I missed last week well, nothing. It is just another Wednesday. Have fun and don't forget to go to these fine blogs and try your luck. Soccer Mom Files, The Old Silly, Marvin and nonamedufus.

Tuesday Trolling

2009-10-13T00:02:00.007-04:00

It is time for another Tuesday trolling on the Internet. I looked high and low to be able to share these goodies with you and maybe show or tell you things you did not know.

Smoking is a very bad and expensive habit, but it doesn’t get more expensive than when you’re addicted to Treasurer Black, the most expensive cigarettes in the world. They come in stylish aluminum cases, the tobacco is packed in watermarked black paper and the base tip is wrapped in gold foil that enhances flavor.

Treasurer takes pride in using only the world’s finest tobacco, with no chemical additives. That doesn’t make them less hazardous to your health, but the manufacturer says it lets the buyer experience true smoking pleasure.

Photo courtesy Chancellor Tobacco

Did you know that the Inca Indians of Panama tie a string of chiles behind their boats and lower it into the water to repel sharks.

Popular in the Netherlands is a mixture of string beans and navy beans. The Dutch call the dish a “blote billetjes in bet gras,” which translates as, “bare buttocks in the grass.”

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

Did you know;

You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. -Wyoming.

In Milwaukee - If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.

In West Virginia, it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper in West Virginia.

"It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. -Washington

In Virginia, there is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates.

In Norfolk Va. - Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Idiots may not vote in New Mexico.

In Portland, ME. - It is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters. In Maine it is also illegal to step out of a plane in flight.

A Thank You, An Award, and A Roast

2009-10-12T00:02:00.001-04:00

I have two things to tell you about. The first one is everything is fine and the problem has resolved itself. Second thing is I am VERY touched by the responses I got from you all. I thank you for your comments and in fact because inside I am really mushy, I want those of you who commented on the apology post to have this award. It is not much, but I want you to know what you mean to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you enjoy this homemade appreciation.

1. Relax Max
2. Reforming Geek
3. Quirkyloon
4. Marvelous Marvin
5. nonmaedufus
6. Red Raider (Don)
7. Deb
8. A
9. CatLadyLarew
10. Sandee

I owe a dear old man a roast. Da Old Man. I wish I could give him a real roast that he could enjoy at home sitting on his couch, but he fucked up his couch when they came to take him away. I think they were wearing white too. They may have even used a net but no one is saying. One reason is because he lives in New Jersey, the “Garden State” They plant gardens on garbage right? He needs to be taken away just for that reason alone.

I was afraid that if he stayed on the corner yelling at cars someone would notice. The fact that every winter you could see his poor wife out shoveling snow as he watched from the comfort of his now defunct couch is but one more reason the men in white came to get him.

Remember when he tried to cook breakfast for her? What a fiasco that was. I think it took her like two weeks to get the house back in order, and let’s not forget the time he said he was sending Dove chocolate to some friends. It is real funny how the post office was blamed for no chocolate ever actually arriving. I tell you, he just wanted our addresses so he could send some of that New Jersey garbage our way.

Oops, this just in. Crotchety really was sick and as we discuss some of his more peculiar behaviors he is, as we speak trying to bribe the Doctors into letting him out of the hospital so he can continue to entertain the masses. I just happen to be part of those masses and I miss the hell out of him.

Soothing Sunday; Featuring Fungus

2009-10-11T00:02:00.004-04:00

I hope your Sunday is wonderful whether you are in church or just gadding about. Enjoy the pictures, it seem like it is Mushroom Madness since Fall began. Some of these are unusual to say the least.

I call these "Brownie Caps"

Colony

My favorite, also my wallpaper

Sprouting "shrooms"

Mushroom Umbrella

Sea Anenome?

Sea Sponge?

Wrinkled Cap

My Apologies

2009-10-09T22:52:00.000-04:00

I have missed the posting I was supposed to do for the blog roast featuring Crotchety. I had a small family emergency and had to go out of town. I will be back in gear on Sunday, with the roast for Crotchety out on Monday. Thanks for understanding.

Chelle Offends Me!

2009-10-05T02:07:00.000-04:00

This is the start of the week of roasting Chelle and The Crotchety Old Man of Humor Blogger dot com fame. These blogs are not to be missed. They are nonmaedufus, Kirsten of The SoccerMom files, and the ever not so geeky Reforminggeek.

"Ohh Chelle you are so wonderful." "Chelle you are so smart," "no one but Chelle could do that." I tell you some of you have such a huge case of Chelle worship and it has to stop! For God's sakes people, she has her own MEXICAN. Now you know that shit is illegal. Don't try to tell me he is documented because I do not believe it. Just look at him! He even mixes her drinks for crying out loud!

Not only that but seriously, does this look like the Taco Bell dog?

I think he got that dog so he could give Chelle all his Tacos!
Then there is the monster truck she drives. She will not let anyone near it. She will kick some serious ass!

Chelle is going to get a swelled head from all the slobbering everyone does over her. WTF? Just because she is a mad genius with computers you think she is a goddess or something.

Pretty soon she will not fit through the front door of the super fabulous site HBDC.

Seriously folks, I do love her to pieces and wish her all the luck in the world with everything.
To see what I am talking about make sure you check her out. She is a wonderfully funny and outrageous blogger who will slap you right between the eyes with her humor. That's my Chelle.

Crotchety will be here on Wednesday.

We Have A Winner

2009-10-03T23:44:00.002-04:00

I am as irregular as a menopausal woman, I swear. On the way into town today I realized I did not do the winner's post. I am sorry, forgive me and hand me a Tampon eh? There were many many great captions, but when I read this one from Renalfailure, I just knew that was the winner. Great job Renal team!

Reason # 933 to become an Atheist...........

I thank you Renalfailure and please do not forget your shit when you leave. See you all next week (let's hope I am a little more regular).

Soothing Sunday is down below. First things first.

Soothing Sunday

2009-10-03T00:44:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Soothing Sunday. This my day to showcase my favorite pictures. These are all some of what I think are my best shots. Most of them were taken with my 35m Pentax, and lately with my Sony Cybershot. Of course the digital let's me put them on the computer immediately, but I think the Pentax still takes better pictures. I hope you enjoy my project.

Kerr Lake

Drought Kerr Lake

Waterfall, Blue Ridge Parkway

Shout Out To Some Good People

2009-09-30T23:38:00.000-04:00

I happened to be visiting my Quirky friend one day when I read a post about how much she liked one of her regular visitors. She called him Marvin, The Old Silly. He always left her the nicest comments and I was curious, so I went around the corner and up the street to The Old Silly's place. What a cool, hippy type Christian nut he was! I took an instant liking to him and we started commenting on each others posts. Now I try to visit him as often as possible. He has some good things he posts weekly and one of them is a character he invented who just happens to be an atom that goes through history. You have to read it, he is good.

Last week I got a message that he had something for me and it was a homemade award that he gives to people he really likes (so he says .:)) Actually it was two awards and a very nice shout out. I have been waiting for a between time to show it to you and make you jealous. If you already have one I do not want to know. As far as I am concerned he only gave them to two of us, me n Quirky.

From Reffie

The next pleasant surprise I had was another award from a dear lady who happens to be a running, swimming, bear bait geek by the name of Reforming geek, or Reffie as some of us call her. She is a sweet lady and actually got to meet another awesome person Deb, from Debbie Does Drivel. I am so jealous. If you have not read Debbie Does Drivel you do not know how much you have missed learning about Maine, or ME as Deb says. Please go see these sites, they really are just the tip of the funny iceberg that ever took out a non sinkable ship.

The Old Silly ------->

If you have read this far I something for some of my favorite gals, Quirkyloon, Dana and Deb. I really hope you like this one.

Craption Wednesday

2009-09-30T00:02:00.002-04:00

Last week was a success with all the craptions you guys came up with. Many many good ones. I can't wait for this one. It is a little risque and I hope blogger does not ban me, but hey breasts are beautiful right?

As always, please stop by these great blogs for more crazy caption contests. Marvin's is on Thursday, but don't let that stop you. Go over there EVERY day. In no certain order, check these out.
Kirsten- Soccer Mom Files
nonamedufus
The Old Silly, Mahvulous Marvin

They Do NOT Need The "Boys"

2009-09-28T00:02:00.002-04:00

Poland has the answer, at least it is better than what we do. On Friday Poland approves a law making chemical castration mandatory for pedophiles in some cases, sparking criticism from human rights groups. Under the new law, pedophiles convicted of raping children under the age of 15 or a close relative would have to undergo chemical therapy on their release from prison. Statements issued from the Poland government say" the purpose of this action is to improve the mental health of the convict, to lower his libido and thereby to reduce the risk of another crime being committed by the same person." Prime Minister Donald Tusk called pedophiles "degenerates" and does not believe "one can use the term 'human' for such individuals, such creatures. Therefore I don't think protection of human rights should refer to these kinds of events."
While I think this is an excellent way to deal with released pedophiles, it does leave some unanswered questions. Would it be illegal when a girl is 14 years and 364 days old and not the next day?

How will they be tested? Force them to watch Toddlers in Tiaras and see if they turn into a Smiling Bob? Make them pee in a potty chair?
Does it make their entire sex drive go away?

These are questions I have, but the most important one is why let them keep their boys at all? After all they don't need them. I say do the real castration with no pain relievers or anesthetic. Just flop em up on the table and slam a big old meat tenderizer on them, then force them to watch old re-runs of Shirley Temple movies.

Soothing Sunday III

2009-09-27T00:02:00.020-04:00

Early morning colors, Myrtle Beach

Twilight colors, Myrtle Beach

Trees in smoke, my house

Old Smoking Dude. Smoky wants in.

The Winner Is............

2009-09-26T00:19:00.000-04:00

Kirsten from the Soccer mom files. She has her own caption contest so I think she must be learning a thing or two over at her place. I loved her Craption!

It looks like Brenda might have "gently reminded" her husband one too many times to leave the toilet seat down!

That was so funny! I want to thank everyone who turned out this week for a try at my coveted Craption Award. It is only for the truly strong hearted to have a big pile of crap sitting on the side of your blog.

While I have your attention (I do don't I?) HBDC is having a blog roast Oct 5 th through Oct 9th. Be sure to sign up on the event calendar and put this on your blogs to get the word out. We will be roasting two of our favorite bloggers, Crotchety Old Man and Chelle of the Offended Blogger fame. They have been under the weather and we hope to cheer them up by writing shitty things about them. Be on the look out at all your favorite Humor Blogs!

Karma, Aisle 9 Sporting Goods

2009-09-26T00:02:00.002-04:00

Karma is a nice word. It conjures many mental images not the least of which would be soothing, calm, yen like, even. It hearkens the image of the Dalai Lama and round bellied Buddhas' smiling at the slanted faces of his worshipers.

Bullshit I say. Karma is what kicks you in the groin and then spits on you as you huddle in the fetal position. Karma gives you a high stick in the hockey game of life. The harbinger of "pay back's a bitch and then you die" kind of shit. We all say it though don't we? Oh that's Karma man, yuck yuck whoa dude, Karma will get them! I think Karma is fine, as long as I do not open the door and have Karma slapping me in the face with a glove challenging ME to a duel. Let that shit happen to my enemies.

That old saying "The toes you step on today might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow," is a crappy saying and I want to slap the person who said it because it is so true. I know, you are wondering if I will ever get to the point. Well hold on I am getting there. All this points to the fact that I, and you, yes you my friend, have poked fun at a very large company who shall remain nameless and now I have an opportunity to manage one of their "places of business" so to speak and how can I turn down the money$$$$$$$$$$$$$$? It would mean moving to someplace that sports the mile high city and after one year a large raise and stock options and bonuses and oh hell what to do, what to do. I would have to uproot these three ~~goats~~ kids and sell my house.

I guess this is what I get for poking fun at them. Now they want me to change my ways and praise them in circles and pray to their round yellow God. I will admit, the discount would be pretty cool. Having my own "place of business" might be okay. I just hope they give me the time due me to see all my blogging buddies on a daily basis. I may negotiate terms on that one.

Could Not Resist

2009-09-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

I try not to have too many picture only days because that is not what this blog is about. I like to leave that to the pro's like Amyoops. We all know she is the queen of funny pictures. But I could not resist these two I ran across because they are so apropos of recent events. I hope you enjoy.

Craption Wednesday

2009-09-23T00:02:00.003-04:00

I think I am the one who really enjoys these things. I love reading the captions, you all crack me up. Here is the latest of the weekly crazy pictures posted just for you.

When you done leaving your Craption and want another "fix" head over to nonamedufus, The Old Silly
Marvin, and The SoccerMom's and try your mad captioning skills with them. Who knows, you may get a Hat Trick

Tuesday Trolling

2009-09-22T00:40:00.001-04:00

Today is Tuesday. At least where I am it is. I have told you all before how much I like trolling the Internet finding facts I did not know or seeing things I have never seen. Educational things, not so much. Weird, bizarre or just odd bits of trivia are for me. I thought about having a Trivia Tuesday, but am not sure yet, although today I am going to put some things to cyber paper that I have run across while trolling the annals of the odd.

Cosmic Irony
The person who wrote the famous song "Keep the Home Fires Burning" burnt to death when their home caught fire.

Eric II, King of Denmark, died in 1104. He was known as Eric the Memorable. No one remembers why.

Paul Revere was the first person to ever identify a body by dental records. He recognized the man because of work he had done joining two teeth together with silver wire.

Armadillos and humans are the only animals that get Leprosy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Do you play songs on your phone pad? Here are some songs that you can play next time you are waiting in line somewhere, keeping everyone entertained unless they strike you about the face and neck after the third rendition of She'll Be Coming Around The Mountain..
Frere Jacques
1231,1231,369,9*9631,111,111

Happy Birthday To You
112163-112196-
11#9632-##9696

She'll Be Coming Around The Mountain
2366663212
3-369999#963
6-#966663222
111196321111
63123-
------------------------------------------------------------
Last but certainly not least is a quote from Investors Business Daily, a site that bills itself as "leading commentator on the key issues of our time," and claims that their editorials are "rigorously researched." This is a quote, not something taken out of context, although the original version has been taken down by the editors and a new one put in it's place.

Here is the quote:
"People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially
worthless."

Apparently, in the course of their rigorous research no one uncovered the well known fact that Prof. Hawking was born, and has lived his entire life, in the U.K.

Idiots.

This concludes my Tuesday Trolling. I hope you learned something today. There may be a test later.

But Officer, I Have To Check Facebook!

2009-09-21T00:02:00.002-04:00

Facebook is the newest social media to hit the Internet and has taken off like a rocket. There are so many social media sites out there and I wonder how there can be another one, yet people still keep coming up with ways to draw in people and the cash they generate. I admit I am on Facebook and, yes I admit I enjoy it very much. I have a lot of people I already knew that are on it and even found an old friend I have not spoken to in fifteen years!
There was an interesting news article about the man who was busted after a robbery because he stopped to check his Facebook in the home he was burglarizing and forgot to log off before he left with the loot. What a douche nozzle! Are all the pleasure centers in his brain clogged up with stupidity?

If Facebook stimulates the nucleus accumbens then that would explain it. Do we as humans find pleasure in going to social sites and conversing with friends? Are we releasing dopamine and getting a "high" by the interaction? More importantly, would we choose to stop in the middle of a crime to check our social status?

Does writing posts to entertain others constitute massaging our nucleus accumbens? It has been said over and over that people blog to satisfy themselves but I really do not believe that, for if that were the case all blogs would read more like journals because you would be the only one reading it. Unless you live with your mom and we all know that moms read things like that. Whether you want them to or not.

I thought at first that being addicted to Facebook and MySpace and all the other social media sites would be better than putting a needle in your arm, but then realized an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. Look at what happened to the robber. He wanted a "fix" bad enough to go to jail for it. Just be watchful when you are in a place that has WI-FI so that you are not held up at gunpoint by a douche nozzle looking for a Facebook fix.

Soothing Sunday II

2009-09-20T00:08:00.002-04:00

Welcome to Soothing Sunday. Question, should I label these, or leave them unlabeled? Let me know in the comments. Enjoy!

This Week's Winner Is...............

2009-09-19T02:03:00.000-04:00

I got some very good Craptions this week. I loved them all. Max played for the first time and I have to call him out. Way to go. I knew you could be funny! Skye had the best Craption...... until Joel stepped up to the plate. I am still sore from laughing. I just got such a kick out of those few simple words,

Survivor. Poultry Edition

Joel, congratulations! Uhh, your one of a kind badge is right over there. Post that baby with pride! See you all next week.

Housewives Are In Mourning Today

2009-09-18T11:37:00.000-04:00

This is a tribute to all the poor housewives who were are in mourning today. All the years of hurrying the older kids off to school and putting the little ones down for a nap, while they hurry to get the Bon-Bons out and the Mimosa's fixed as they snuggle into their Snuggy and settle onto the couch for a whole hour of............. The Guiding Light! The high drama through the years with the Springfield clans of the Bauers, Spauldings, Coopers and Lewises comes to a quiet end today.

The show is the longest running soap opera in history and aired in 1952 after having been on the radio which started in 1937! Kevin Bacon, Calista Flockhart and Hayden Panettiere have this long running show on their resume's.
With the rise of reality shows and the fact that most women have to work, soap's have entered into the world of passe. Now women come home from work and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Rehab where they can see what really happens in the bedrooms and family rooms of America.
Now they watch the bedrooms of the real soap stars. They can see who is screwing who and who the real baby daddy is. See who is cheating on who and watch the ignorant tirades of people in real life.

Here is to the death of Guiding Light, where even the dead don't really die.

Craption Wednesday

2009-09-16T00:02:00.001-04:00

I like the weird pictures best. You guys come through waaaay better than I ever thought. Let me have it.

I Am Moving Up In The World

2009-09-14T00:02:00.001-04:00

I am finally doing it. I have fought and fought this travesty and can no longer go on like this. I miss seeing my favorite blogs, (I have a ton of favorites) I have to pick and choose who's site I visit and I am LUCKY to get to more than ten in one day. I have a ton of messages on my phone and now that the kids are getting older they fight for cyber time almost as bad as I do. I know I am addicted and just like a crack head I have to have more and more until I am ready for the needle.

This where I am. Now that you know what it is to live like me, you feel my pain don't you? I knew you would.

This is where I am going. Yes, I am moving up in the world.

Wednesday!

Hey Rubber Necker's, Five Cents A Stretch

2009-09-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

On the local news tonight the traffic reporter Ark Farquark, (I think that is is his name. Sounds like it.) flashed 40E and the traffic was backed up for miles. I usually travel that stretch coming back from the Hagma's and that is why it caught my eye.

My first thought was "major accident" but in the next second I heard the words, "stranded car" Stranded car?!?!?!? A fucking stranded car caused a three mile long traffic jam? You know why don't you. Rubber necks! People slowing down hoping to get a glimpse of a bloody mangled corpse lying in the road. What is it about a gruesome sight that make people slow down to get a glimpse of tragedy? Are they bloggers like us who are looking for blog fodder? I think not as this has gone on for many a year by people everywhere.

Ask any hockey fan why they like hockey and they will not say, " because of the finesse of the skating" or "the excitement of the fine interaction between two awesome players as they dance their dance of strategy." No it's the fighting and the bloodshed, it's the helmets tossed on the ice like 52 card pick up. It's the grunts and groans as two players hammer each other until the ref's finally pull them apart.

I went to the Funny Car races one night. I hated it, hated it, hated it! It was loud, extremely loud and watching cars go around and around in a circle just did not impress me. And then it happened. A wreck, oh how cool a wreck. Look at those mangled up cars. That was the best part of the whole race. Is this why people like car races?

What is it about a wreck, or an accident, or a shooting that draws the voyeur out of the human population? Watch any news where there is a standoff and you look around and people are standing on their porches hoping to get a glimpse of someone shot. Do you slow down to see an accident? If you say no I will believe you. Sure I will.

Soothing Sunday

2009-09-13T00:08:00.002-04:00

I enjoy taking pictures and I thought Sunday would be a good day to post a few that I like real well. All the pictures I post are ones I have taken, good or bad, unless otherwise stated. I hope they soothe your Sunday.

This little guy was at Yellowstone Park.

The Winner Is........

2009-09-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

One of these days I am going to post something on time. I should have had this ready, but life got in the way. I had to really think about all the great captions and it was VERY hard to pick a winner. I liked all the responses, and as usual they were great, but the winner to me was this;

Don't look up. Don't look up. I don't ever want to see where that come from. Sandee from Comedy Plus won the golden pile of crap! Congratulations Sandee. I think your Craption was the best fit for this pic. Just grab your award from the side and post it proudly!

Soccer Fun

2009-09-11T00:37:00.000-04:00

This whole sports crap with playing cab driver for all the practices and games is new to me. The first two creatures I raised were not into sports. Their favorite thing to do was drink and run away, you know the normal stuff the brain dead do. So now with the second group they are more into being Divas and sports greats so I put the yellow sign on the top of the car and away we go. We have auditions and tryouts and recitals and games and plays and all kinds of things to keep OPEC in business. Ia m not complaining mind you, it is just all so new.

I am learning some new things I did not know before. I have always tried (ha ha snort) to have patience when the kids are learning something new. I try not to lose it and say what is really rolling around in my brain, instead giving pep talks and pats on the back and as many atta boy's that I can muster. All that went right out the window when the thirteen year old started playing soccer. I guess that rule does not apply to kids that are not your own. I am not a sports type person so all I know about coaches was what I saw on television when the news shows the football coaches ramming their players heads into the benches or slapping them. I had no idea that was such an integral part of sports. Now I know why I never liked much of any sport except softball. None of my coaches ever picked up a bat and coldcocked a one of us.

I picked up my boy one day after practice and his coach was within earshot and I was shocked when he started yelling the word "idiots", at the top of his lungs, and then watched him yell at my boy because he did not pass the ball when he told him to. My hubby says, don't worry. All coaches are like that. That is how they learn. Hmmm, is that what I should have been doing all these years?

Today was our first game and it was fun to watch I admit. I noticed the other school's coaches and watched their body language when their players made a mistake but as they were across the field I could not hear what they had to say. When the game was over I asked about the other coaches and my kid tells me all the other team players were called "bitches" by the coaches. They were also told they (the coaches) were going to kick their asses if they lost the game. Is that right for a grown man to call 12 and 13 year old's bitches and tell them they are going to kick their asses? Maybe I can be my nephew's coach.

Poopy Shoes? Watch Where You're Going

2009-09-10T00:03:00.004-04:00

Stepping in something squishy and smelly is bad but is it so traumatic you sue over it? I think I can safely say we have all (if you have kids) walked somewhere with a child. In the park, at the mall, around the block, and we being the bigger people can usually see where we are walking and can spot a big pile of dog shit, or at least I thought so.

A stupid ass dip shit from New York was walking with her one year old at the Maritime Aquarium in Connecticut when the child stepped in dog poop. Now the women is suing the city of Norwalk,
saying her entire outing had been ruined by the incident. She actually wanted her money refunded for the new shoes she had to buy the child and the refund of the tickets to the aquarium. City attorney M. Jeffrey Sparh's official response is her claim is denied, stating "shit happens." I have to wonder how this woman let a ONE year old child walk in dog shit.
I think I may have found a way to not have to work, just keep suing for having to breathe on my own, or having to pay my own bills. I know, I can sue because I have to watch where I am walking!

Craption Contest Wednesday, and My Given Award and My Giving Award

2009-09-09T00:02:00.000-04:00

I have a couple of announcements to make on this day, and then I want you to put your Craption on this very special picture.

1. First I must thank nonamedufus for bestowing his prestigious "Hanging With Dufus" award for having the best caption last week. I am telling you it is an honor to put this with my other awards on my award page which if I ever get off my lazy ass I would put them in a rotation thingy so you could see every one I have. Whew! That was quite the run on sentence.

2. I made this award last year and gave it to a couple of special people. I made it for someone I truly love, so you know it means a lot for me to give it out. It comes with no strings and if you choose to give it out be my guest. I award this to the following people. You have helped me through a rough spot and did not know it. It was a pleasure to go to my blog and see your comments even though I had been out of it for a while. You helped cheer me up and that is what friends do. Thank you all.

Sandee from ComedyPlus
Dear Reffie from Confessions of a ReformingGeek
Nonamedufus, a friend indeed
Thinkinfyou
Sondra Stinglash from Calithumpthunder
CatLadyLarew from How to Become a Cat Lady Without the Cats
My favorite puppy ever, Nooter
Donna from Carnwath's Corner

Okay enough of the maudlin! On to the Craption contest. Put one to THIS!

Even Clowns Do It

2009-09-08T00:02:00.001-04:00

Yes it's true. All you clown haters have to know that clowns need love too. Now I am not talking clown porn and I am sorry to disappoint everyone, but I am talking clown marriage. Bob "Mulligan" and Karen "Flower" renewed their vows as family and friends looked on. She wore the traditional train with whistles and wheels while carrying a bag of flour.
He has heart problems and she has breast cancer and they decided to renew their vows to celebrate their marriage and devotion to one another.

"Hiccups" the clown was a bridesmaid and cried during the ceremony. (I think it would be hard to see a clown cry.) Then there was "Doodles" the clown who was the Groomsman, but because he is a mime clown he had nothing to say but he did do the world known finger gestures to show the couple he hoped their wedding night was hot! There were balloons instead of flowers and they walked through a balloon tunnel after the ceremony. I think love is grand and it just proves that clowns need love too.

Better Shape Up, Or The Ear Gets It!

2009-09-07T00:56:00.001-04:00

Sometimes sex has a way of not working the way you want it too. It may be that too much was to drink by one of you, or it may be stress related, but it has happened to everyone at least a time or two. What would you do if it just was not as good as you hoped it would be? Would you talk about what went wrong? Would you just chalk it up as one loss, no big deal? Or perhaps take a hot curling iron and wrap it around the ear of your lover and tell them if things don't improve something bad is going to happen.

That is exactly what Samantha Harvey, of Washington Pa. did to a friend of hers when the sex she demanded was not as good as she thought it should be.

Samantha Harvey

The man was getting ready for bed when Samantha came into the room and told him she would cut open his penis and watch him bleed to death if he did not have sex with her, and then slapped him in the face. They proceeded to have sex but not to her liking, so she grabbed a hot curling iron and clamped it on his ear causing it to burn and blister, while telling him he had to get better. A few minutes later as he was obviously not pleasing her she then clipped it onto his penis. He called the police the next morning.

My God you must be really really bad to have to rape a man using a curling iron as a weapon. What's wrong with people?

Attention Wal- Mart Shoppers; There is a Beating In Hardware.

2009-09-06T00:18:00.000-04:00

How many times have you been out for the day spending your hard earned money when there is a wailing in the distance. There you are, trying to decide which flavor of beef jerky you want to eat while watching wrestling, and then you hear it. An ear piercing scream that is so annoying that you have to loosen the curlers under your scarf and the ears on your bunny slippers wilt. Oh will someone shut that brat up. For Gawd's sakes let him have the damned Barbie already!
Haven't we all wanted to slap the shit right out of that spoiled screaming brat? Well, someone else did more than think those thoughts.
Roger Stephens told Sonya Mathews that if she did not stop her daughter from crying he would. When the child continued to cry Stephens walked up to the child and slapped her several times in the face. He then told the mother "See, I told you I would shut her up." He was arrested and charged with cruelty to a child, a felony, and is being held without bail. The child is fine and suffered no injuries.

Roger Stephens

My big question is this; Why was the man arrested? If that had happened to you would he not have needed a FUCKING AMBULANCE?
I can hear it now, "Attention Wal-Mart shoppers! For the next several minutes there will be a beating in hardware. Please ignore the blood and as always thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Winner of the Craption Award

2009-09-05T04:58:00.000-04:00

These keep getting better and better. I swear you guys are so funny. This week it is with great pleasure I pass the award to moooooog! Runner up is Phillipia. I wish you both could win but you can't so I invite you all back next week for another Wednesday Craption. Congratulations moooooog!

...many years later, Danica would find out where her victory milk REALLY came from.

Craption Wednesday

2009-09-02T16:49:00.000-04:00

Damn time flies when you are in a black hole. Oh shut up, I am late with this and I have no excuse. For another caption Wednesday if you are so inclined please visit my buddy nonmaedufus. He cracks me up and is one of the NICEST people I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. Go see him everyday too, not just for the caption but because he is that funny.

I can't wait to see what you guys do with this one. Go ahead and try it! Remember, there is a large pile of golden crap hinging on this. You know you want it.

Bernie's New Look

2009-09-01T00:02:00.001-04:00

What would happen to an otherwise sane man if he had a real small penis? I am just curious. Would a person opt to have endowment surgery and is there really such a thing? Peter enlarging surgery? I guess I could Google it, but then can you imagine how warped I would really be? I would have to share my findings with all of you and I am not sure you want to know how to make a penis larger. Well I guess you could ask "Smiling Bob" but I don't think the herbs he is hawking can really be the same as penile enlargement surgery.

With women if we have small breasties we pay for fake ones. We won't even sag at 70,

but a small penis stays a small penis right? I say if you are under the average length of 6 inches you better be doing some tongue exercises, I'm just sayin you better be good at something.

There is one man who will be the laughing stock of the Butner Correctional Institution, well actually I think he would really be someone's bitch at least after what his ex-lover says about him.
Shirley Weinstein's book "Madoff's Other Secret- Love, Money Bernie, and Me" tells why she thinks Mr ~~Jerkoff~~ Madoff pillaged small cities and raped an entire economy. Because of his little dick. Is this what drove him to rob billions from charities and friends? He would have been better off with those tongue exercises.

Suck My Nerve!

2009-08-30T18:54:00.000-04:00

Whoa Teabiscuit, I have had so much fun this past week with bed spins and eye jerks. It brought back memories of my partying days when the bed was like a ride at the fair. The Topsy Turvy or whatever that ride
was called. All my friends lied to me and said if I put me leg on the floor the spinning would stop. WRONG! The only thing that did was give one leg a head start to go pray to the porcelain God!

I just knew I had an inner ear infection but no says the Doctor, it's just nerves. I am so sick of being told my problems are just my nerves. Why don't you just suck my nerve Doc? IBS, it's just your nerves, acid reflux, nah nerves. You would think I was nothing more than a "nervous nelly" when really I can be the biggest bitch ever. It is not like me to hold back when I am upset with someone or something.
Just ask the old women at Wal mart.

I know I should not have said anything but I was weaving all over the store trying to catch up to my family and when I ziggedshe zagged. She just pissed me off. So I got up beside her and told her she needed to go to the Pharmacy, they had a huge condom sale going on. I did not want to see her produce any more like her. I know that was rude right? I should have pointed her to the Geritol aisle so she could hurry her shit up......

Winner Of The Craption Award

2009-08-29T13:39:00.000-04:00

This week you guys came through with some great craptions. I find it hard to choose a clear winner. I can't ask the Hubs because he lost his sense of humor years ago and still can't find it. He has just a little piece left and he keeps that under wraps. I usually can pick them and have occasionally asked Lucky, but he is not talking right now. So without further ado I give you this week's Craption winner................

Jellyfish aren't the only reason you should never jerk off in the ocean...
This award goes to RenalFailure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also want to apologize for not getting out to a lot of your blogs, but I have been fighting Vertigo for a couple of days and am just to the point to where I am not chasing my keyboard!

Feet Friday!

2009-08-28T00:02:00.002-04:00

Humorbloggers everywhere are posting a story today about feet. I would really appreciate it if you went over to these blogs and see how funny feet can be. Reforming Geek, Nonamedufus, FrankLeeMei Dere, and Unfinished Rambler. Please don't miss out or you will be stuck reading only this one and your eyes will need something to bring them back from the dead.

Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? I do not think mine would reach, besides which that is just gross. Feet are weird looking and have a funky odor but at the same time are very versatile too. Did you know if a booger bites your finger off it could be replaced with one of your toes? Not the booger fool, your finger. I had a doctor once who had an accident at one time and lost her thumb. It was replaced with her big toe, true story!

Some people get off on feet. I am sorry but it ain’t happening with this old girl. I refuse to suck toe! Feet are an important part of culture though I will give them that. Look at what the Chinese did to their women’s feet. Blechh! Broke their toes, wrapped them up like mummies, and then stuffed them into a three-inch shoe just like stuffing cheese in a Jalapeno popper!

American women are not much better. We shove our feet in a shoe one size too small (because Lord knows you can’t run around with big feet) then shove our heels up to a 90-degree angle and then whine all day about how our feet and back hurts. Then we go and pay damned good money to let a fish suck the dead skin off our toes!

I think I have a love hate relationship with my feet. They are quite funky looking with the stubby little toes and the well hardened heels, but I love them for carrying my fat ass anywhere I need to go. You cannot say that about just anything you know. I guess I could learn to like them, after all my name is not Eileen.

HUGE APOLOGY TO MIKEWJ at toomanymornings for without his suggestion of this topic you would not have read any posts on feet. MikeWJ, here's to you,

Craption Wednesday

2009-08-26T00:02:00.001-04:00

I like this picture and can think of so many things to say about it. I'll bet you do too. Give it your best shot and I will tell you who gets this wonderful badge by having the funniest craption on Friday.

My WTF Moment

2009-08-25T22:26:00.000-04:00

Did you see the news about the little girl who sent a balloon up and another little girl found it and wrote her back? The little girl who found the balloon has the same name as the little girl who sent the balloon. They both have a dog, and a guinea pig, are in the same grade and their parents were married on the same day in the same year. They both live in different cities. I loved the coincidence in this story. Just like the Twilight zone, is it not?

I received a phone call the other day from a doctor’s office. It was a recorded message reminding me of my granddaughter’s eye doctor appointment. I was puzzled but thought perhaps that the hubby had made the appointment so I confirmed by pushing one. (These new fangled things are so impersonal.)When the hubs got home I told him about the appointment and he said he never made an appointment with an eye doctor especially one at the famous teaching hospital here.

He calls the number they had left to find out who made the appointment with them and they said they had a patient with the same first and last name but different middle name and the address was different. They do not have any records for our granddaughter, nor do they have our phone number in their records.
No one knows how they got our phone number, why the other patient’s name is the same as our granddaughter’s name, is the same age and (this is weird) the papers in her files are MISSING! This patient has had several operations on her eyes and the doctors have seen her numerous times so how did they call us?

This definitely is a WTF moment.

W e Have A Winner! (and a PSA)

2009-08-22T08:48:00.000-04:00

This week's Craption Winner is one of the funniest Poo humor masters ever, Moooooog! It was a majority decision and his Craption made us think of our own small town eatery. Yeah, we live in the state of one tooth!

Behind the scenes at Taco Bell's test facility.

Now I have one PSA (public service announcement) On August 28th, the HBDC bloggers will be posting their funniest stories about..............feet. Yes, feet. Not funny? Oh but it will be. If anyone wants to write their story about feet, just post by Friday Aug. 28th and join the fun.