Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Summer at My House

Summer is for the bugs! I know you usually hear something is for the bird’s right. Summer is for the birds if they would eat all the bugs in the 11-acre insect breeditorium I have. The first thing to pop up are the Mayflies. They do not hurt you; they just attack when you step into the grass. I think they are left from the prehistoric years. If you could put a saddle on those big bastards, you could ride them around the yard. They do not hurt you they just annoy the living piss out of you.

 
My Creek

 
Yes, It is my creek!
  
Mayfly
                                                                             

After the Mayflies come the deer flies. Now deer flies are some of the nastiest little bastards ever and when they bite, they draw blood. I got so sick of them one year I went and got some fly paper, took apart the roll of sticky ass paper and stapled it to an old baseball cap and wore it outside. It tickled the shit out of me to count all those fuckers stuck to that flypaper. I admit I would not have won any awards for fashion but by God, those deer flies did not bite me. We cannot roll the windows down in the car when driving down the long driveway because the deer flies attack the car. It is a bitch to see the swarm of deer flies trying to get in any window they can. They have followed us to the end of the road about 9/10th of a mile!
 
Deer Fly
 
                                                                         
Let us not forget the ticks! Oh those sneaky little bastards can hide in the nastiest places, like the "hanging boys" if ya know what I mean. You look all over for them when you get home and only when the itching gets intense enough to tear the skin off do you find them. Deer ticks are so tiny and they can hide anywhere. My poor Hubs is allergic to almost every insect bite and these tiny ticks imbed between his toes! Not a pretty picture I assure you.
 
Deer Tick
                                                                               
                                                                                
Then there are mosquitoes! I think everyone of you have been bothered by them but they actually form clouds on the lower forty and as much ‘Off ‘as you spray they still dive bomb like Kamikaze pilots on a mission.
 
Mosquito
                                                                             

Anyone from the south knows what red bugs are, but if you are like me and are from the West, you may have never heard of these minute creatures from hell. Also known as chiggers these microscopic insects latch on, insert their little feeder tubes and inject a substance that actually dissolves the tissue reminiscent of The Fly. When the skin and tissue dissolve, they suck up your precious life’s fluids. These by far are Satan’s little dogs of hell. With the other pests, at least you can see them to deal with, but these tiny little assholes are the worst!
 
Chigger/Redbug
                                                                              


 
Chigger bites
                                                                               
Picture it; walking along enjoying the sights, although smelling like a chemical factory, and all of a sudden you feel a tremendous pain and then another, and still another. You look around in shock and only then do you realize you have disturbed an underground nest of Yellow Jackets. No amount of spray will protect you from the intense sting of these buggers. Run as fast as you can and jump into the water because they are pissed and they will not let you get away from disturbing their happy home.
 
Yellow Jacket nest

 
Yellow Jacket
                                                                        

The one thing that we have on our acreage that does not bother me in the least are snakes. Snakes have their purpose, the afore mentioned denizens of hell do NOT. Snakes keep the rats and mice from invading my home so they are okay. Well, except for the Copperheads, and Water Moccasins AKA Cottonmouth. Those I kill, although I must confess I have yet to see a Cottonmouth. To hear the people out here tell it there are Cottonmouths swarming everywhere, because everyone swears they kill at least ten a week. I have a very large creek on my property with every kind of wildlife you can imagine and have yet to see a Cottonmouth. Most water snakes are really harmless but are killed out of ignorance.  We have King snakes also and if I could keep my dog Lucky/Dummy from eating them I would be happy.

 
Copperhead

 
Blacksnake

 
King Snake

 
Cottonmouth
                                                                                        

Besides all these wonderful creatures I share my home with are the Bob Cat’s and the black bears. The bears live across the creek and I have actually seen one of them and a friend who lives behind the creek has several pictures of the bears eating his corn. The Bob Cat we have seen on a tree that had fallen in the creek. Come to think of it, I am missing two of my cats. I wonder……..
 
Bobcat

 
Black Bear




This concludes my tour of my lovely home in the woods. Sounds terrible but I would not trade it for anything.


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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Weird Signs From Around the World

You know how much I love finding things on the World Wide Web. I found some funny signs and had to share them with you. Enjoy!

 
  
  
  
  
 





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Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th My Friends!


Happy 4th! Happy Independence day, happy day. Happy, happy. Well for those of you from the United States this is the day we celebrate independence from British rule. No offense to the British but you are a somewhat stuffy lot, what with your funny pronunciations and the way you drink tea with your pinkie finger extended. Everything British is not bad I will say. I have some funny funny friends who are from across the big pond and even though they talk funny I still love them. Did you know how many things were invented by the British? I was somewhat surprised, here I thought they spent their time drinking tea talking about "bloody wanking" or something. No they invented these useful things;

Tin cans
Corkscrews
Gas masks
Lawn Mower
Light bulbs
Power Loom
Puckle gun
Penny farthing
Rubber Masticator
Shrapnel
Toilet paper
Viagra
These are but a few of the clever inventions from the British. They are a clever bunch are they not? Remember the next time you wipe your ass and have prolonged sex you can thank the Brits for it! I love you guys. Here is my 4th of July picture to all my friends no matter where they hail from.





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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Can We Do Anything Without Help?


I stayed up all night because I obviously have nothing better to do, actually when insomnia comes calling you may as well get up and keep it company. Of course the television had to stay up too. Damned if I want to be completely alone. Well anyways watching the boob tube really got me to wondering how folks in the old days did anything without help. I mean like going going to the bathroom for one thing, or eating fruit because God knows everyone needs fruit but why eat it? We have yogurt with microbes in it to make us shit, we have water with fruit in it so we do not actually have to eat it. How did our ancestors deal with hemorrhoids for crying out loud? I don't think they exploded and remember they used corn cobs for toilet paper! There are even bands you wrap around your gut that exercises the muscles because we are too lazy to actually get up and walk. We have cream to put on our asses and if that isn't bad enough people use the same cream on their face!

We have scooters to sit our two ton asses on to grocery shop because we are too fucking fat to actually walk. Hell we even have sidewalks to get us to our plane so we do not have to waste precious energy by walking. North Carolina has an Aquarium with a moving sidewalk so you can just stand and watch the fish without having to spend any energy. We have microwaves so we do not have to cook real food, when we do use our ovens they clean themselves so we do not have to bend over and use elbow grease. Virtual pets save time and keep us from actually having to walk an animal, or feed it unless you feed it pretend food. Yes we are an obese nation, I wonder why?





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Monday, June 29, 2009

Two winners, me and you.

I must thank you all for the craptions you submitted. They were all funny, except for Max's, his was kind of lame. What do you expect for a IA? Smart ass! Speaking of smart asses Max let me steal an award from his blog. He told me to take it because I more or less followed him on his too smart for me blog. So thank you Max for letting me steal something with what little dignity I have left.

The best follower award. Yeah for me! Now I am supposed to give this to ten of my followers and put links and all that happy horse shit, but I think I will just give it to a couple of you that have been there even when I posted very little. Some of you have commented on almost every post and for that I am very thankful. Now THAT is a follower. Sandee of ComedyPlus. She absolutely rocks! I love you Sandee! Relax Max I would love to give this to you but I am not. You have been there through thick and thin, but you already have one. Sorry. Next is dizzblnd, from Soggy Doggy Bloggy and  she is usually the first to comment and she is a very sweet person. Be sure to drop in and say hi and tell her she is da one! Then there is Deb of Debbiedoesdrivel. What can I say about Deb except she is one of the best. I love this little Gull very much let me tell you. I don't think she loves me as much as she loves ME. Check her out, you may want to move up there with her. Last but never least is Skye from weekly injection of chuckles. Skye has met so many of you through my link love stories. She is one that really appreciates your great humor.
Now you know how I am about awards, you can pass them on but that is the extent of MY rules. Now on to the winner of the Craption Award.

I had some great entries, you folks have some funny brains and I think you are really getting good with your captions. So now for the winner. Drum roll please..........

Kathcom!!!!!!!!!!





A young Steven Hawking kicking it with a high school classmate.

It was a tough call and I loved all of your captions. Thank you everyone I enjoyed this.




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Friday, June 26, 2009

Here's to Crotchety, take your best shot.

I have had no word on Crotchety and to me a caption contest is the right thing to do in his honor. I do not usually do these but for him I will. I even made an award to give to the winner for this occasion.



 No one but myself has a sense of humor in my house so I will have to be creative to come up with the winner. (everyone is pissed because I dissed MJ) Here is to Crotchety. Have at it





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Okay, Michael Jackson is dead, so let the fun begin!

Well, he is dead. Michael Jackson will never thrill himself again. I am sad but at the same time I am loving the jokes going around. I am insensitive that way, and knowing you readers I think you are all a little insensitive also. So let's hear the latest funny.

Michael Jackson had so much plastic in him, they are going to melt him down and make LEGO blocks out of him. Now little boys can play with him!

Michael Jackson did not really die from cardiac arrest,he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

Paramedics at the scene say Michael never got his color back.

At the autopsy they found children's underwear tied around his upper arm. Not to worry it was a patch, he was trying to quit.

MJ's cardiac arrest was brought about when he found out Boyz2Men were a boy band and not a boy delivery service.

Have you heard any others?



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Limerick by T.O. 2/17/09

Thank you Dana

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This blog is the fictitious meanderings of my mind. What you find here is my attempt to write humorously. Unless otherwise stated, the characters in these stories are not intended to be real. If you have a problem with this tough shit!
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